Holding nothing back…

Archive for September 2008

I don’t normally post about politics.  I don’t know, it’s just not my thing.  I debate politics with people I can see face-to-face or whom I know well enough to hear their voice as I read their words so that there are fewer misunderstandings.  Here…  I just don’t usually do it.  I don’t have a policy against it, I just haven’t gone there because I’ve been able to get my politics-debate fix IRL.

But tonight, I find myself outraged with nowhere to take it but here.  So y’all get to hear me vant (vent+rant=vant) about politics tonight.

I’m watching Fox news with hubby.  I know, I know, Faux News and all that.  But we actually know a couple of the local reporters through hubby’s work (he fixed their heating and air systems on their homes), so that’s what we watch for tv news and the tv isn’t our only source of news.  Anyway.  So I’m watching the news with hubby and this quick little report comes on about Sarah Palin.  Ok, she’s the Republican nominee for VP, even though I’d never heard of her before she was chosen…

They actually reported on the fact that Mrs. Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska governors mansion!  Not about how it’s a questionable use of state funds!  Oh HELL no!  It was about how she keeps her skin “glowing.”  Oh, and about how McCain has had skin cancer and is a fan of SPF, long sleeves, and hats.  Woop-de-friggin-doo! 

Had the VP nominee been a MALE governor that had a tanning bed installed in the governors mansion, would we have heard about it?  If we did, would we have been hearing about the possible missappropriation of state funds or about his “glowing” skin?

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!  Because the candidate is a former beauty queen and still an attractive woman, we have to listen to this drivel!  I’m with the SNL skit that had Palin and HRClinton in a mock press conference together.  The press needs to grow a pair, or borrow them from someone.  Questioning a candidate about their stance on the issues is NOT sexist!  AAMOF, it’s more sexist to NOT ask a female candidate for high office the hard questions!  And THESE silly peices of fluff that pass for reporting on the candidate shouldn’t even see airtime.

/vant off

I feel better now.

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A friend of mine and I went to see The Women last night.  It was the first time I have been out of the house since the surgery except to ride with dh to the bbq place up the street to pick up dinner one evening.  Since we were doing an impromptu “Girls Night” we decided to see a chick flick that the men wouldn’t have taken us to willingly.  “c)

I was pleasantly surprised, actually.  It was a charming, funny, heart-tugging story about the various relationships women have with other women:  Mother-daughter, friends, sisters, coworkers, boss-employee, etc.  You very rarely saw a man on screen as more than background, which was kind of nice.  These women didn’t need men to identify them, support them, direct them, protect them, or anything else.  They were fully actualized characters in their own rights.

Meg Ryan plays Mary Haines, a wealthy socialite with a job in her father’s design firm, a position on the board of several charitable organizations, a daughter, a huge (BEAUTIFUL) house, four very close female friends, and a cheating husband.  And, yes, at the beginning of the film that seems to be pretty much the order she places their importance into.

Annette Benning plays Sylvia Fowler, a New York fashion magazine editor trying to turn the magazine around and stop “dumbing it down.”  Her mission at the magazine is to “talk UP” the the readers, and her (male) boss doesn’t believe in her vision.

Debra Messing plays Edie Cohen, wife and mother to four girls and still trying for a boy.

Jada Pinkett-Smith plays Alex Fisher, the funny, irreverant, hard-partying lesbian friend (who’s lesbianism is, thankfully, played as just a fact of her life).  Alex was actually my favorite character in the movie.  She had some of the best lines and the way Jada played her made me wish I had a friend like Alex.

Eva Mendes plays Crystal Allen, the mistress.  Something about Ms. Mendes’ performance was just lacking for me.  In past movies she has come across as incredibly sexy without appearing to TRY, but in this movie she just feel short.  There was something about her walk, the toss of her head, the pout, that just came across as more comical and stupid than sexy.  Maybe it was done on purpose because we were *supposed* to dislike Crystal, I don’t know.  I just know that Mendes came out looking less like the Sexy, Evil, Other Woman than like a ditz that was trying too hard.

Mendes, however was the only disappointing performance in the movie.  The four main characters shined, and their portrayal of friendship left me saying “I’m so glad I have that!” and very proud to be a woman.

Body Acceptance Moment:  Sylvia is talking to Mary’s daughter, Molly.  Molly admits to smoking so that she won’t eat because she doesn’t want to be fat.  “I want to look like the models in your magazine.”  Sylvia replies “Those women are staged, airbrushed, and photoshopped!  NOBODY looks like those women!  THEY don’t even look like that!”

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I’m actually doing pretty well, much better than I had expected after surgery.  Today has actually been the worst day so far.  I’m more sore today than  have been since Wednesday (the day the surgery was actually performed).

We got to the hospital at 7:30 Wednesday morning, went back to the pre-op area, and did a lot of waiting.  They did all the pre-op blood tests, put in the IV (have I ever said how much I HATE IV’s???), etc.  My doctor had a surgery in front of me, but apparently it went well because she was ready for me about 20 minutes earlier than expected.  She came in and talked to me and hubby for a few minutes.  I remember them coming in and giving me the “happy meds” and making hubby go out to the waiting area, but don’t remember much of anything else.  I certainly don’t remember being given the meds to actually put me to sleep, but that’s how it is supposed to be.  LOL

The next thing I remember is being in recovery, and asking the nurse for something to eat (I hadn’t eaten or drank anything since the night before).  I was in a regular room before noon, but I couldn’t tell you what time for sure.  It was in time for me to get lunch though.  Sometime around 7pm, I started to run a fever and they really didn’t want to let me go home because of it.  I had been having hot flashes all afternoon (not abnormal for me, actually), so I was reasonably sure they were the reason for the 100.1 degree temp and not an infection.  I finally talked them into letting me go on home despite the low-grade temp because I knew I would relax and recover better at home than up there.  The bed was ridiculously hard (I actually sleep on a feather mattress at home), the “pillows” were MAYBE 2 inches thick so NO neck support, and every time I would start to doze off someone would come in and wake me up.  They didn’t like letting me go home, but since my temp was below 101 they did with the warning to keep an eye on my temp and bring me back up to the hospital IMMEDIATELY if my temp hit or went above 101.

Once I got home, my temp started falling.  30 minutes after I got home it was 99.7, and by midnight it was 98.9 and has been a perfect 98.6 since.

The bleeding has been really REALLY nominal.  Just a little bit of spotting Wednesday and Thursday.  Yesterday and today it has been practically nonexistent!  I was expecting at least a week or two of light bleeding to spotting, and it has been this little bit nothing.

So all in all, I’m doing a lot better than I expected even if I’m not 100%.  I’m still taking it easy because it does still hurt to bend, twist, stoop, etc., and standing or walking for too long hurts.  I figure I’ll be back to normal before too very much longer, but am trying really hard not to push it and end up hurting myself and prolonging my recovery.

So I’m watching “How To Look Good Naked” again.  Despite the things that have cropped up from time to time, I still love the show because at it’s heart it is about loving your body.  And we could ALL use a dose of body-loving.

This season, Carson has been doing a series of questions with a group of 100 women.  The question he just asked was about age when you went on your first diet.  Two women had started their first diets at the age of ten.  A pretty good chunk of women headed across the line when he raised the age to 15.  By the time Carson asked about 25-years-old, at least half the women were across the line.

I was 12 when I went on my first diet.  Mom put me on the scale, in front of my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother, new step-grandfather and all of his family that I was meeting for the first time and exclaimed “My GOD!  If THAT is how much you weigh, we need to put you on a diet!”  Thus began my lifetime of fucked up relationship with food and my body.  I don’t even remember what I weighed at the time.  I do know I was a bit chunky, but I don’t think I was just horribly fat.  I look at pictures of me from the time, and I don’t see what the big deal was.  I was NOT huge, and even if I had been, shaming me like that in front of my entire extended family (including the NEW members of the family that I was meeting for the first time) was NOT appropriate.  It was verbally and emotionally abusive, and it set me up for a lifetime of hating my body, hating my weight, never thinking I was thin enough.

So, since I’m having my hysterectomy tomorrow, and don’t know how long it will be before I feel like sitting at the computer long enough to blog again, I want you guys to talk.

How old were you when you went on your first diet?

What made you diet for the first time?

Who, if anyone, contributed to your disordered relationship with food and with your body?

And most important of all, if you could go back and talk to the first person you remember saying something negative about your body/weight, what would you say to them?

… You’re doing it wrong.

http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/full-episodes/how-to-look-good-naked/video/season-2/episode-6/1753282745/1755342564

Unfortunately, Lifetime won’t let me embed video…  The link takes you to part of an episode of How to Look Good Naked with Carson Kressley.  Before I fuss at him, let me just say that I absolutely LOVE Carson and what he’s trying to do with this show.  Most of the time, he gets it right.  This episode, however, he just happened to hit on one of my triggers. 

I’m sure it will sound petty to some.  I don’t care.  I hold Carson to a higher standard because he is doing a show about body acceptance. 

During the segment where Carson has her tell him what she sees in the mirror (and the women always focus on what they see wrong with their bodies), and then Carson tells her what he sees that is good…  Carson points out to her that she has a beautiful neckline.  What was triggering to me was that he commented “You don’t have any double chins going on…”  Oy.

As a teen, I was anorexic.  And yet, even though otherwise I was so scary skinny that everyone noticed and was worried about me, I still had a double chin!  It was that double chin that made me think I was still fat even though it was the only place on my body WITH any fat.  When I looked in the mirror or at pictures of myself, all I could see was that double chin.  I didn’t see the fact that I had lost my breasts, or that my stomach was concave, or that my cheekbones were so sharp they looked like they could cut glass.  I saw that double chin that I hated so much I was literally starving myself trying to get rid of it.

When Carson commented to this woman that she had no double chin, my hand immediately went to mine.  Immediately, I was once again wishing I had the money for plastic surgery to make that hated double chin go away.  For the first time in a long time, I felt fat and unattractive and like something was desperately wrong with me.  =c(  Suddenly, I was thinking about all the things I feel are WRONG with my body instead of all the things that are RIGHT.  I considered calling Jenny.  I considered throwing out everything in my house that was sweet or carbolicious.  I actually found myself racking my brain for the tricks I used to avoid eating so many years ago when I was anorexic.

How do y’all deal with it when something triggers your body loathing like this?  How do you get past it and get back to loving yourself and your body and stop thinking about dieting and “good” food/”bad” food and and and?