Request for help.
Posted by: Pet~ on: November 3, 2008
I’ve tried and tried and tried to think of a way to put all of this delicately, and I can’t. I’m so upset about it that I’m not even sure I can put it together intelligently even. So I’m just throwing it out there and asking for you to understand that there will be a LOT of frustration talking in this post and that this is bringing up some of my own issues that I am still dealing with. Please bear with me.
TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of childhood obesity, possible emergent eating disorders, and forced calorie/food restrictions follow. Please be sure you have your Sanity Watchers points saved up, and proceed with caution.
Ok. So. I have this friend with a 9-year-old daughter who doesn’t meet the societal standards of thin. Said child gets teased at school and at home because of her weight. And in the interest of full disclosure, the child *is* technically considered “obese” by all measures of childhood obesity. HOWEVER, I’ve seen the baby pictures, and the toddler pictures, and the preschool pictures, and so on. The child is just BUILT this way! She has been since birth.
The thing that is driving me absolutely batshit crazy is that the child’s mother, my friend, is constantly riding the child’s butt about her weight! The child’s clothes are all too small, emphasizing that Mom refuses to accept the child’s body as it is, where it is, and dress her accordingly and appropriately. This shouldn’t surprise me too much, considering that Mom does the same to herself.
I understand that MUCH of this is societal conditioning. That the mom is brainwashed into thinking that smaller is better, even if the smaller clothing size comes at the expense of comfort AND appearance; and in the case of this mom and child, is enough too small that it makes them both look much bigger than they are, which in turn makes them both feel worse on multiple levels.
There *is* a family history of Type 2 diabetes, so I actually DO get some of the mom’s worry about the child’s weight since there is so much hype about the correllations between obesity and type 2 diabetes (and I cannot get it through this woman’s head that correllation does NOT equal causation). It also doesn’t help that their pediatrician feeds her a bunch of mumbo jumbo about childhood obesity, AND that the child’s school gives her crap about the child’s weight. I GET these things.
However, I absolutely, positively do NOT get the way this woman is going about trying to get her daughter’s weight “under control.” The tactics she is using are pretty much *guaranteed* to give the child a complex. I can actually SEE the eating disorders forming! I mean LITERALLY see the emergent signs of eating disorders. Sometimes I want to bop this woman on the head with a 2×4 for what she is doing to her daughter’s mental health! Seriously, it is that bad. The tactics include:
- Drastically limiting the child’s caloric intake.
- Severely restricting the types of food the child is allowed to eat.
- Forcing the child to participate in exercise activities, whether the child wants to or not (including, but not limited to joining sports teams)
- Not allowing the child to eat or drink anything after a certain time of evening, with the only exception being if they are eating dinner late for one reason or another.
- Absolutely, positively, under-no-circumstances allowing the child to get seconds at any meal, ever.
I have actually SEEN the child sneaking food because she knew her mother would not allow her to have more, and get punished for it when she got caught. I have actually SEEN the child eat herself sick (literally eat until she vomited) when her mother wasn’t around. I have actually SEEN the child get into trouble for accepting one piece of candy that was offered to her (by my daughter) because she had “already had her candy for the day” and she “knew better.”
Since Halloween, the mother took the child’s candy and hid it in Mom’s bedroom because the child, according to Mom, “would eat it all in one sitting” if Mom didn’t. She doles it out one piece a day, and the child doesn’t even get to pick the piece she gets! If the child protests AT ALL (“can I have the cherry tootsie-pop instead of the miniature Hershey’s??”) she doesn’t GET her piece of candy that day.
How do I approach Mom about this? How do I tell her that she is destroying her daughter’s self-esteem, and setting her up for a lifetime of disordered eating? How do I point out to her that her daughter is ALREADY, at 9-years-old, showing the emergent signs of eating disorders? How do I gently, and lovingly, and without losing an otherwise valued friend, tell her that she needs to BACK THE F OFF about her daughter’s weight?
I do not feel that I can, with a clear conscience, tell her that I refuse to discuss her daughter’s “weight problem” with her because I feel that what she is doing to her child amounts to physical and psychological abuse. I want to HELP her help her daughter, not tear the family apart, so any comments about reporting them WILL be deleted.
Too fat to twirl… Revisited.
Posted by: Pet~ on: October 28, 2008
Van Twirlers Suspended for “risque” song
For some reason, WordPress won’t let me use the embed code from this video, so I’ve linked it. Although what I want to talk about isn’t the song choice, who screwed up in allowing the song to be used, whether or not the routine should have been stopped, etc.
It’s the comments about the twirlers posted here.
“CSS” says:
If there is a crime here, it’s that the twirler interviewed on Ch. 5 should lose a few pounds before going out on the field in that costume.
That is followed shortly by “Shayla” saying:
Wow what happened to twirlers being thin?
Then “Van Vandal Mom” says:
And another thing noticing all the comments on the weight. If you are practicing as you should how come you don’t loose weight, You sre suppose to practice all week , all summer.. What happened to that. that will get you in shape. What they need is to bring back the good line that had 7 on it a couple years ago they were all awsome and some of thenm went to state through the years, Great twirlers there and they didn’t disrespect athority.AND THEY LOOKED GOOD !!!!! And they could all TWIRL !!!And they worked for it to look that good too. And you could learn from that they respected the sponsors and band directors and priciple and the school and them selfs.
Van Vandal Mom assumes that the girls can’t be practicing like they should or they wouldn’t have any extra weight on them, and since they *do* have “extra weight” they “don’t look good.” Sheesh! And we wonder why girls the world over are starving themselves trying to be thin!
When is it ever thin enough?
When does talent and/or skill outweigh (pun intended) appearance?
When do we get to respect ourselves no matter what our weight is?
When do we get to EXPECT respect from others no matter what our weight is?
How about NOW? TODAY?
I say:
If the only thing you can say against someone is that they “need to lose a few pounds,” you don’t have anything worthwhile to say.
BullshitMI is NOT an indicator of talent.
Practice time is not indicated by jeans size.
Self-esteem cannot be measured in pounds, kilos, or stones.
That girl in the interview? Her name is Jordan Downey, and she is just as cute as can be!
The Women: 1939
Posted by: Pet~ on: October 2, 2008
I finally sat down and watched the original version of The Women. Taking into consideration the fact that it was filmed in 1939 and reflects the values of the era, it was ok. Yes, just ok.
First, Joan Crawford as Crystal was definitely AWESOME! Blew Mendes’ performance of Crystal completely and totally OUT of the water. After watching Crawford in the role of the conniving, gold-digging, bitchy Other Woman, nobody could have lived up to that performance. Joan was sexy without being comical, unlike Mendes. Her delivery of the line “If something I’m wearing doesn’t please Stephen, I take it off” was just p e r f e c t.
Meg Ryan’s Mary Haines was much more likable for me, but that was more a function of the plotline than of Norma Shearer’s acting (which was admittedly over the top, but that was typical for the era). The 1939 version of Mary was just… Blah. Shearer’s Mary just isn’t anything without her husband. Her original trip to the spa where she found out about Stephen’s affair was to get done over “for Stephen.” From that point on, Mary is pining for Stephen. She finally starts to get some life back after finding out from her sleepy daughter that Stephen isn’t really happy with Crystal (whom he’s now been married to for nearly 2 years). Everything Mary does is for Stephen, because it’s what she thinks STEPHEN wants, what she thinks will make STEPHEN happy. Blech. There’s no moment of realization that if she isn’t happy by herself, she’ll never *really* be happy with Stephen. The only reason for Stephen to want her back is because Crystal is a high maintenance bitch and Mary is a pushover. Mary hasn’t grown as a person, hasn’t done anything to improve herself, nothing. She’s basically continued her life as she was before, just without Stephen.
ALL of the women in the movie do everything they do for the men in their lives. Even when they end up getting divorces. They are catty, bitchy, gossipy, wimpy, superficial, gold-digging, keeping-up-with-the-jones’s, housewives who are nothing without their men. They are boring, and from the things they talk about their men doing behind their backs, their men are bored with them also.
Yes, I get that the movie was made in 1939, two years before the U.S. entered WWII and women were pretty much forced to enter the workforce. I get that the entire world was radically different then. For my purposes here, I am speaking of my ability to relate to the characters in the modern version vs. the characters in the 1939 version.
Oh, the 1939 version definitely had it’s moments. I just had a much more difficult time relating to it and the women portrayed in it than to the modern version and the women in it. Blame it on the fact that I’m entirely too young to remember when women like that (with the exception of the money!) were the norm, but I know LOTS of women like the ones in the recent version. Call me shallow. Say whatever you will. I just liked the modern version better, by a long shot. *shrug*
You have GOT to be kidding me!!
Posted by: Pet~ on: September 16, 2008
I don’t normally post about politics. I don’t know, it’s just not my thing. I debate politics with people I can see face-to-face or whom I know well enough to hear their voice as I read their words so that there are fewer misunderstandings. Here… I just don’t usually do it. I don’t have a policy against it, I just haven’t gone there because I’ve been able to get my politics-debate fix IRL.
But tonight, I find myself outraged with nowhere to take it but here. So y’all get to hear me vant (vent+rant=vant) about politics tonight.
I’m watching Fox news with hubby. I know, I know, Faux News and all that. But we actually know a couple of the local reporters through hubby’s work (he fixed their heating and air systems on their homes), so that’s what we watch for tv news and the tv isn’t our only source of news. Anyway. So I’m watching the news with hubby and this quick little report comes on about Sarah Palin. Ok, she’s the Republican nominee for VP, even though I’d never heard of her before she was chosen…
They actually reported on the fact that Mrs. Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska governors mansion! Not about how it’s a questionable use of state funds! Oh HELL no! It was about how she keeps her skin “glowing.” Oh, and about how McCain has had skin cancer and is a fan of SPF, long sleeves, and hats. Woop-de-friggin-doo!
Had the VP nominee been a MALE governor that had a tanning bed installed in the governors mansion, would we have heard about it? If we did, would we have been hearing about the possible missappropriation of state funds or about his “glowing” skin?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Because the candidate is a former beauty queen and still an attractive woman, we have to listen to this drivel! I’m with the SNL skit that had Palin and HRClinton in a mock press conference together. The press needs to grow a pair, or borrow them from someone. Questioning a candidate about their stance on the issues is NOT sexist! AAMOF, it’s more sexist to NOT ask a female candidate for high office the hard questions! And THESE silly peices of fluff that pass for reporting on the candidate shouldn’t even see airtime.
/vant off
I feel better now.
Movie Review: The Women
Posted by: Pet~ on: September 15, 2008
- In: Beauty| Friends| Fun| Movies| Self esteem
- 3 Comments
A friend of mine and I went to see The Women last night. It was the first time I have been out of the house since the surgery except to ride with dh to the bbq place up the street to pick up dinner one evening. Since we were doing an impromptu “Girls Night” we decided to see a chick flick that the men wouldn’t have taken us to willingly. “c)
I was pleasantly surprised, actually. It was a charming, funny, heart-tugging story about the various relationships women have with other women: Mother-daughter, friends, sisters, coworkers, boss-employee, etc. You very rarely saw a man on screen as more than background, which was kind of nice. These women didn’t need men to identify them, support them, direct them, protect them, or anything else. They were fully actualized characters in their own rights.
Meg Ryan plays Mary Haines, a wealthy socialite with a job in her father’s design firm, a position on the board of several charitable organizations, a daughter, a huge (BEAUTIFUL) house, four very close female friends, and a cheating husband. And, yes, at the beginning of the film that seems to be pretty much the order she places their importance into.
Annette Benning plays Sylvia Fowler, a New York fashion magazine editor trying to turn the magazine around and stop “dumbing it down.” Her mission at the magazine is to “talk UP” the the readers, and her (male) boss doesn’t believe in her vision.
Debra Messing plays Edie Cohen, wife and mother to four girls and still trying for a boy.
Jada Pinkett-Smith plays Alex Fisher, the funny, irreverant, hard-partying lesbian friend (who’s lesbianism is, thankfully, played as just a fact of her life). Alex was actually my favorite character in the movie. She had some of the best lines and the way Jada played her made me wish I had a friend like Alex.
Eva Mendes plays Crystal Allen, the mistress. Something about Ms. Mendes’ performance was just lacking for me. In past movies she has come across as incredibly sexy without appearing to TRY, but in this movie she just feel short. There was something about her walk, the toss of her head, the pout, that just came across as more comical and stupid than sexy. Maybe it was done on purpose because we were *supposed* to dislike Crystal, I don’t know. I just know that Mendes came out looking less like the Sexy, Evil, Other Woman than like a ditz that was trying too hard.
Mendes, however was the only disappointing performance in the movie. The four main characters shined, and their portrayal of friendship left me saying “I’m so glad I have that!” and very proud to be a woman.
Body Acceptance Moment: Sylvia is talking to Mary’s daughter, Molly. Molly admits to smoking so that she won’t eat because she doesn’t want to be fat. “I want to look like the models in your magazine.” Sylvia replies “Those women are staged, airbrushed, and photoshopped! NOBODY looks like those women! THEY don’t even look like that!”
Post-hysterectomy update
Posted by: Pet~ on: September 13, 2008
I’m actually doing pretty well, much better than I had expected after surgery. Today has actually been the worst day so far. I’m more sore today than have been since Wednesday (the day the surgery was actually performed).
We got to the hospital at 7:30 Wednesday morning, went back to the pre-op area, and did a lot of waiting. They did all the pre-op blood tests, put in the IV (have I ever said how much I HATE IV’s???), etc. My doctor had a surgery in front of me, but apparently it went well because she was ready for me about 20 minutes earlier than expected. She came in and talked to me and hubby for a few minutes. I remember them coming in and giving me the “happy meds” and making hubby go out to the waiting area, but don’t remember much of anything else. I certainly don’t remember being given the meds to actually put me to sleep, but that’s how it is supposed to be. LOL
The next thing I remember is being in recovery, and asking the nurse for something to eat (I hadn’t eaten or drank anything since the night before). I was in a regular room before noon, but I couldn’t tell you what time for sure. It was in time for me to get lunch though. Sometime around 7pm, I started to run a fever and they really didn’t want to let me go home because of it. I had been having hot flashes all afternoon (not abnormal for me, actually), so I was reasonably sure they were the reason for the 100.1 degree temp and not an infection. I finally talked them into letting me go on home despite the low-grade temp because I knew I would relax and recover better at home than up there. The bed was ridiculously hard (I actually sleep on a feather mattress at home), the “pillows” were MAYBE 2 inches thick so NO neck support, and every time I would start to doze off someone would come in and wake me up. They didn’t like letting me go home, but since my temp was below 101 they did with the warning to keep an eye on my temp and bring me back up to the hospital IMMEDIATELY if my temp hit or went above 101.
Once I got home, my temp started falling. 30 minutes after I got home it was 99.7, and by midnight it was 98.9 and has been a perfect 98.6 since.
The bleeding has been really REALLY nominal. Just a little bit of spotting Wednesday and Thursday. Yesterday and today it has been practically nonexistent! I was expecting at least a week or two of light bleeding to spotting, and it has been this little bit nothing.
So all in all, I’m doing a lot better than I expected even if I’m not 100%. I’m still taking it easy because it does still hurt to bend, twist, stoop, etc., and standing or walking for too long hurts. I figure I’ll be back to normal before too very much longer, but am trying really hard not to push it and end up hurting myself and prolonging my recovery.
Your first time?
Posted by: Pet~ on: September 9, 2008
So I’m watching “How To Look Good Naked” again. Despite the things that have cropped up from time to time, I still love the show because at it’s heart it is about loving your body. And we could ALL use a dose of body-loving.
This season, Carson has been doing a series of questions with a group of 100 women. The question he just asked was about age when you went on your first diet. Two women had started their first diets at the age of ten. A pretty good chunk of women headed across the line when he raised the age to 15. By the time Carson asked about 25-years-old, at least half the women were across the line.
I was 12 when I went on my first diet. Mom put me on the scale, in front of my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother, new step-grandfather and all of his family that I was meeting for the first time and exclaimed “My GOD! If THAT is how much you weigh, we need to put you on a diet!” Thus began my lifetime of fucked up relationship with food and my body. I don’t even remember what I weighed at the time. I do know I was a bit chunky, but I don’t think I was just horribly fat. I look at pictures of me from the time, and I don’t see what the big deal was. I was NOT huge, and even if I had been, shaming me like that in front of my entire extended family (including the NEW members of the family that I was meeting for the first time) was NOT appropriate. It was verbally and emotionally abusive, and it set me up for a lifetime of hating my body, hating my weight, never thinking I was thin enough.
So, since I’m having my hysterectomy tomorrow, and don’t know how long it will be before I feel like sitting at the computer long enough to blog again, I want you guys to talk.
How old were you when you went on your first diet?
What made you diet for the first time?
Who, if anyone, contributed to your disordered relationship with food and with your body?
And most important of all, if you could go back and talk to the first person you remember saying something negative about your body/weight, what would you say to them?
Body acceptance…
Posted by: Pet~ on: September 3, 2008
… You’re doing it wrong.
Unfortunately, Lifetime won’t let me embed video… The link takes you to part of an episode of How to Look Good Naked with Carson Kressley. Before I fuss at him, let me just say that I absolutely LOVE Carson and what he’s trying to do with this show. Most of the time, he gets it right. This episode, however, he just happened to hit on one of my triggers.
I’m sure it will sound petty to some. I don’t care. I hold Carson to a higher standard because he is doing a show about body acceptance.
During the segment where Carson has her tell him what she sees in the mirror (and the women always focus on what they see wrong with their bodies), and then Carson tells her what he sees that is good… Carson points out to her that she has a beautiful neckline. What was triggering to me was that he commented “You don’t have any double chins going on…” Oy.
As a teen, I was anorexic. And yet, even though otherwise I was so scary skinny that everyone noticed and was worried about me, I still had a double chin! It was that double chin that made me think I was still fat even though it was the only place on my body WITH any fat. When I looked in the mirror or at pictures of myself, all I could see was that double chin. I didn’t see the fact that I had lost my breasts, or that my stomach was concave, or that my cheekbones were so sharp they looked like they could cut glass. I saw that double chin that I hated so much I was literally starving myself trying to get rid of it.
When Carson commented to this woman that she had no double chin, my hand immediately went to mine. Immediately, I was once again wishing I had the money for plastic surgery to make that hated double chin go away. For the first time in a long time, I felt fat and unattractive and like something was desperately wrong with me. =c( Suddenly, I was thinking about all the things I feel are WRONG with my body instead of all the things that are RIGHT. I considered calling Jenny. I considered throwing out everything in my house that was sweet or carbolicious. I actually found myself racking my brain for the tricks I used to avoid eating so many years ago when I was anorexic.
How do y’all deal with it when something triggers your body loathing like this? How do you get past it and get back to loving yourself and your body and stop thinking about dieting and “good” food/”bad” food and and and?
Surgery is scheduled.
Posted by: Pet~ on: August 25, 2008
Thankfully, the biopsy came back negative, so the cancer scare is over! Because of my family history, we’ve decided that it’s in my best interest to go on and do a hysterectomy. It is scheduled for Sept 10. Just before my birthday. Nice.
DH has vacation time available so he’s going to take a week off of work, and my Mom offered to come down and help if I need it. At least I won’t be going through this alone!
Everyone tells me that recovery won’t be NEARLY as bad as you would usually expect for surgery, so I’m trying not to stress myself out over it. Easier said than done some days, but I’m trying.
